Jaded.

It's only Week 5 of the semester and I'm already feeling worn out. I feel I'm like a reading machine. And I'm not a master at reading, at times, I actually loathe it. I think I'm still feeling the effects of INSTEP actually. It's not school. Of course, I mean, school does definitely play a part in wearing me out, but not this worn out. It feels like my whole world's tumbling down, and I couldn't, I just couldn't pick myself up this time.

It's so tough. Really, it is.

Just can't contain the sadness

INSTEP Rejection

Well..I guess I was really stupid. I didn't consult Dawn before submitting my choices and actually thought I might get a shot at the 5 vacancies out of 24 applicants. Well, technically, I didn't know there'd be 24 applicants and that San Diego State Uni. was that popular. I submitted early instead of waiting at the last hour like I did the last time around. And here I am. Without any placements, my plans are foiled. I can't go anywhere anymore. Is it really that I have to be stucked in ntu?

I remember having to dream about studying in a whole different environment. Out of the Singapore education system. Hanging out in the libraries of just amazing architectures..eating at the cafeteria while reading..or writing. or just simply blogging about how beautiful school would be (in contrast to how I might depict in a Singapore school - maybe I've just been here for too long that I stop learning how to appreciate) Anyhow, I just really wish to get out for awhile but God isn't answering my prayers..and I'm really really dejected. It just strucked me, how stupid I could get. really really stupid. I haven't had much regrets in my life yet, and this is one of the very regretful decisions I've ever made.

So ever since, I've been stress eating. sigh. I thought I made it through, really. I thought.

Losing the ability to write.

Well, maybe I never had the capability to write. I was just talking about how much I adore but hateful of the same thing - what I termed as the 'intangible stuff'. The qualities/abilities that you acquire in the form of imagination. And I'm at awe because of its vast array of choices to express, yet at the same time you're bounded by infinity. Sometimes, no choice is a good choice. So, anyway, to give an example, drawing/painting is one of these intangible stuff. Writing is another. At some point of time, I'd rather do Physics or Chemistry because the theories, although not absolute (we have no absolute truth in this world) are fixed and follows a certain logic. The knowledge can be, in a way, possessed. I was at Equinox Restaurant when I was discussing and giving some random thoughts about it, because the 70th floor view was renowned but yet at the same time, evoked some kind of rejection in me. Indeed, and of course, I appreciated the view from above, but the view was so temporary and passing. They don't last. And my mechanism of defence is to reject to be at awe of it, so I don't lust for the view again. (which isn't in my possession and never will be) maybe I'm just possessive..and insecure. haha.

Now you know why writing an essay is a huge headache for me. Because I can never perfect an essay, and I think my essays will never be good enough for submission. Science and Maths are on the extreme opposite. You CAN get full marks for a Maths paper, but not one for an essay. Precisely due to the varying subjectivities between markers and people. People are subjectivity personified. A perfect essay, therefore, is inherently contradicting. oh, haven't I ranted enough?

School's a chore. It has always been a chore at this period of the semester. Still feel voided. It's funny. maybe...maybe I'm just weird.

Okay. I had a crazy week, that has just passed followed by another few crazy weeks ahead and it's to final exams. How time really flies. Really. Just some updates:

Kaixin's Wedding
I went last minute shopping(really last minute) on Friday, yes, just the day before the actual wedding to get all the night gown, heels and all the likes. It was a tiring day, we spent 8 hours at orchard swarming around, crashing our brains to think of maximising our limited budget(but we still exceeded anyway). But oh well, it was worth the money definitely for a best bud's wedding. ;) I just have to scrimp a little bit for the rest of the months, I am excused, I am a student! And it isn't that bad scrimping, it compels me to cut a little fat food.

The Morning Gate Crashing
Anyway, it was 630am at Kaixin's house on Saturday morning, oh gosh I'm sorry I was really that late! Prepared the props for the games and getting ready for the start of the day. Really really excited. I was glad, happy, excited and of all, wished the best that could ever be for one of my bestest friends. I caught a few glimpses of the pretty bride(I was really walking around the house panicking), and to some moments, almost teared. JUST LOVE WEDDINGS. And soon, about 7am, the groom and brothers came. We made David shout at the top of his lungs at the ground floor to Kaixin's room an oath that he promised by to take the utmost care for Kaixin for the rest of her life. And then the games proceeded. It wasn't challenging at all, URGH, should've prepared better games. but it's okay, I made David sing on impromptu and he looked stressed(at least) HAHA. With much attempt at the door, trying to recall any love songs that he could come up with, the groom finally gotten the bride with a "很吵啊!" by Kaixin. HAHAHA.

Tea ceremonies and Marina Barrage Photoshoot
We went to both houses to witness the tea ceremonies, it wasn't my first time being a sister, but every time the refreshing feeling comes when I witness every phase of the Chinese wedding tradition. And never failed to be really touched. After which we proceeded to Marina Barrage for photoshoot and it was just rushing back to hotel and I would need to rush down to Fareast for hair and make-up already.

Marina Mandarin
So I got all ready and was 40mins late. Gees. I'm sorry. It just wasn't enough time for me to do everything in time really. Came back, and at the first sight of my "new" look, the brothers commented i looked 10 years older. What an expensive remark. haha. I was reading and rehearsing on the script for the later dinner for emcee-ing. Still really excited although I only had barely 2 hours of sleep (and Cassandra had none). We waited till about 830pm before the dinner started and the course for the night was awesome! ABALONE FTW. seriously. Also, it was really nice seeing the old netball girls for a little catchup.

Overall the whole day was a blast. I just felt bad not being able to perfect the wedding for Kaixin, as I thought I could've done more for her. I should make it up. Other than that, it was a blast, and I'm so glad she's found her bliss. for a lifetime. ;)

I thought blogging is a good way to vent my inner thoughts, or frustrations for this case. I've got Statistics test tomorrow and I only started studying this afternoon. Catching no balls at all. Can't understand. Had always been bad at math since young! Just can't seem to see the logic behind Mathematics seriously. URGH.

On the side note, Kaixin's wedding is coming on Saturday! And I'm gonna be emcee-cum-sister for her wedding. EXCITED! Yet bored down by stupid midterms and tests and datelines. I really really think that learning is hugely impeded by exams and time constraints. They bore learning. I'm such a conflict theorist supporter.

Can't seem to lose anymore weight. I've been eating little, erm, but a lot of biscuits. I think biscuits are really high in calories, and the worst is they don't fill you so you kinda eat more. So instead of losing weight by eating less, I'm gaining more weight. Because I'm consuming much more calories. EEEeEEks. dislikes.

Anyway, Siewsiew's 21ST chalet celebration was a blast! I will post more about it the next post. For now, I think I'm gonna log off and watch some tv. Can't understand statistics no more.

I caught 'Chronicles of the Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader' 3D thanks to having some free tickets. The story plot was predictable but the sceneries, artificial to some extent, still, are breath-taking. Makes me all the more wanna go to for exchange! To anywhere, just not here. anymore.

It's less than a week to the first paper, and then less than a week again to the end of the exams. It's fking scary, when I don't feel confident. Sociology is indeed a hard subject. An intellectual one, more precisely. Ugh. Again again, grades are just subjective measurement of my ability!

I can't churn out anything to write anymore. my mind, is void of meaning. filled only with, exams. urgh. what a deterrence to real thinking.

i think i need to change a layout again. to a more masculine one. this is seemingly too girly for me, ironically, at this point of time. i'm feelin girly.

what can i say more. exams are around the corner. i guess i wouldn't feel this stressed if im studyin for math or sciences now. urgh. but i guess thats always the case. when im studyin sciences, i rant abt why am i not doing arts.

my contact lenses are freakin dry. i shud go get a new pair. that hydrates. feel like going for a run. feel like out of time. sigh.